Hapless Wanderer's Weblog

Wow, I’m working

Jo — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:25:30 +0000

As of April 14, I started working at CVS pharmacy. It feels kind of weird to be working again, even though it’s only part-time, after having been unemployed since June 2007. I feel productive and that life has more meaning and purpose now. Not that I didn’t feel important being my daughter’s mom. Everything I do is for her. But, I feel good about the fact that there is a lot more to my life than just staying at home and looking after her.

I like working there so far, for the most part. I work in a lovely area. The customers so far have been pretty decent. My coworkers are nice enough people.

Except for one of them.

There are two pharmacists staffed at our pharmacy. One is the pharmacist in charge, who is the one who interviewed and hired me. He is a lovely guy and is very much suited to work in this field. The other one, on the other hand, is not so nice. She is no doubt intelligent and very able, but she certainly does not know how to treat coworkers. Well, she doesn’t know how to treat ME. I don’t know if she has a personal issue with me only, as I see she treats everyone else more nicely. But she just talks down to me like I’m in kindergarten or something. Definitely not cool. Since it’s absolutely necessary for me to work, I will just be patient, smile, keep my cool. But at some point if she doesn’t change the way she talks to me I will pull her aside and tell her that I do not feel comfortable with the way she addresses me, and that I would like to resolve the issue with her and if not, I will resolve it with the store manager.

Now, it’s Friday. I have to go to work and i am not looking forward to it for a couple of reasons. First, it’s a beautiful day. It’s warm and sunny out and I would rather spend it doing something fun with my husband and daughter. Second, I am working with evil pharmacist (from here on, whenever I talk about her I will refer to her as Evil RPh) for seven hours. Oh. My. Dear. Lord. *sigh*

At times like this, when I start to feel like I might not be able to deal with someone or something, I need to keep my daughter in mind at all times. She is the reason for everything. She is the reason I put up with shit day in and day out. She is the reason I go to these soul-sucking back-to-work “class” sessions that are mandatory in order for me to continue receiving cash assistance. She is the reason I am putting up with Evil RPh. She is the reason I am going back to school even though I’m terrified of the idea. She is basically my reason for living. So I have to keep on going, and no matter how bad it gets, I cannot, WILL not give up.

But man, do I need a good self pep talk before going in to work in a couple of hours. I hope we do not clash today. If we do, then I will be in for a very long and very stressful evening.

Whoduthunkit?

Jo — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:54:08 +0000

I got a job! Yay! It’s part-time, which works out wonderfully for me because I wouldn’t be able to commit to full-time hours as I plan to return to school. This is what I want to be doing too. I get to train to be a pharmacy technician. I like the pharmacist, he seems like a very friendly, laid back kind of guy. I can tell i will like him as a boss.

And so everything is slowly but surely falling into place. My husband is coming this Sunday, the 29th. I just got this job. Then hopefully in May, I get to take chemistry to get a start on my long overdue degree. It feels very real now. For the longest time I just sat here every day, just being a mom and imagining what more I can do with my life and my time, and now things are actually happening. I’ve set things into motion. It is all so very scary, yet so very exciting and full of possibilities. I wish I had started all of this a long time ago! Oh well. I try not to look back too much and regret what choices I did or didn’t make. I am just glad that now, I am getting myself together and doing what I am setting out to do. I feel so very important and no longer insignificant or useless! What a feeling.

A humbling, ego and pride swallowing experience

Jo — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 02:12:40 +0000

I am officially partaking in back-to-work programs, which are mandatory in order for me to get government help. I always hated relying on the system, but I am absolutely DESPERATE for money now. And getting a job has been proving extremely challenging.

Well, I’ve probably sunk as low as I can go. From here on, I will be working my way up.

I can’t wait to go back to school. Never in a million years did I think I’d ever desire to step foot into a classroom again, but here I am, actually missing school. Having a child really motivates you, and you end up wanting and doing things you never thought you would. Life has been at a stand still too. I just sit at home every day thinking, “Is this how it’s going to be forever?” Day in, day out, I tend to a child who is growing more and more independent and assertive. I deal with her screaming, whining, crying. I try to get things under control but she wants to crawl or walk away from me and do what she wants to do, touch everything in sight. I cook for her, or carefully plan out what she will eat but when I feed her, she spits out her food.

I enjoy being a mom overall, and I love my daughter with all my heart and soul, more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life. But these days, motherhood does take a toll on my sanity.

I look into the future, worrying about the ‘dark side’ of motherhood. I also worry about working just for the sake of putting food on the table. I go to a job I despise or care nothing for, and then I come home and be a mom again, cleaning the house, cooking for the family. I can deal with being a mom, but I probably wouldn’t be able to deal with life in general if I can’t at least have something interesting or remotely exciting about other areas of my life. Much as I wouldn’t have admitted to this in the past, I do crave a bit of a social life. What normal human being doesn’t? I don’t want to be just a mom. I want to be, to do so many things. And I want to be able to set an example for my daughter, so that she can make the most out of her life when she grows up. It would be completely unfair of me to accept things as they are now without working my butt off to improve, to raise my daughter up in this life. She deserves so much more.

So, I’m a bit depressed about having to go through this right now. At the same time though, I’m beginning to perk up and feel hopeful about our future. So for now, I will have to swallow all of my pride and continue working harder than I’ve ever worked before.

Starting Over!!

Jo — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:16:12 +0000

Wasn’t very happy with most of my older posts, so I deleted them and am starting anew. Kind of.

It’s 1:15AM. I should be asleep because I’m waking up early to go to my appointment to arrange for child care. I really don’t want to go, but ah what can I do.

I think my daughter has a bacterial skin infection. This little pimple-like thing on her neck has grown a lot since yesterday, and now it just looks like a red, crusty open sore. Poor thing. So I’ll probably walk in to the clinic on Monday, if it doesn’t spread, so I can get some sort of topical antibiotic for her. Meanwhile, I’ll be freakishly keeping an eye on the area, making sure it’s clean. Perhaps I should cover it. And bind her hands so she doesn’t attempt to scratch it….

Rant Of the Day: Take a freakin’ pregnancy test

Jo — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:12:58 +0000

I’m part of two mom and baby forums. A part of me thinks I’m an idiot for joining forums that largely involve debates on who’s baby’s cutest, smartest, most advanced, biggest, etc. etc. and slagfests for having differences in parenting styles. But the other part of me longs to talk to other mothers who feel and experience the same things I’m going through. Plus none of my old friends have kids, so I’m not about to bore them with baby talk.

Anyway, I’m so sick of seeing threads that are titled, “Am I pregnant? What do you guys think??” And then they start the thread off with a list of symptoms and they end it with asking everyone’s opinions. I am not a fan of stupid questions. I do not get involved in such posts, because my answer would simply be this: “Go buy a pregnancy test and find out. The forum community will never know if you are pregnant or not no matter how many obvious symptoms you list or you state when your ovulation date was or when your last period was or even the last time you and your partner had sex. We don’t want to know that anyway.”

Rant over.

I’ve let myself go a little

Jo — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:45:09 +0000

I was never one to care too much about my looks. I’d spend maybe half an hour getting ready to go out. At most, forty-five minutes for a party or semi-fancy occasion. Even at home, I’d put a bit of care into myself, just making sure I didn’t look like a total wreck.

Well ever since I had this baby, I just stopped putting any effort into my appearance. Well, once in a while I’d put a bit of make-up on my face and make sure my hair is in place when I go out. But these days, I just step out of the house, sans make-up. I don’t even really care about what I wear anymore. I just throw on some jeans and a decent looking shirt and comfy walking shoes. I don’t necessarily think I look horrid, but I certainly look more of a mess than I usually do.

I don’t even care much about my diet either. I used to eat very healthy foods. Nowadays I eat stuff that has very little nutritional value. And I indulge in junk food a bit more than occasionally. Now thankfully my body hasn’t ballooned or anything but I bet that that’s what’s keeping me from achieving my goal of getting back down to pre-pregnancy weight. I have the money to buy healthy food, so why don’t I??

I feel so “blah” most days. I have no motivation to make myself feel confident and put together. It’s been one long hell of a funk, but I really hope that once I get back to work and go out more, I’ll feel better.